Texafornia: It Could Be The Perfect State

I've said this many times before to my friends: I long for Texafornia. Independently, the two states each do many things brilliantly. But, if it were up to me, I'd marry the two. Then and only then, Utopian living will have been reached. Who doesn't want to improve upon their living conditions? That's what I thought. Below, I am going to hit some highlights and lowlights of each state. While I have a fondness for each, Texas will always be home. It is where I spent 36 years of my life. Without further ado, here we go...

Let's get past the obvious difference: Texas has abysmal weather and California provides more weather envy per capita than any other state in the union. Matter of fact, most Californians I know are complete and utter weather pansies. If it gets to 84 degrees outside, that is considered hot and uncomfortable. Texans would take 84 degrees in a millisecond and might even take a decent pay cut to ensure the mercury never registers north of that mark. Truth be told, the trees sweat in Texas. The state bird is either the flying cockroach or the over-sized, blood-thirsty, steroidal mosquito which has been known to carry away small pets. Meanwhile, the marine layer provides Californians with built in air conditioning. There are no mosquitoes in SoCal and I have never seen a cockroach that could be fit with tail numbers the way they can be in Texas. These differences are the obvious "givens" in this analytical display of genius.

On to more important matters: food. Hey California, would it kill you to put chile con queso on the freaking menu at your Mexican restaurants? Here is a concept: you take some cheese and not any cheese mind you. I don't want you to come in here with your healthy, organically cultured, cheese concocted in some tokehouse in Berkeley. All we need is pasteurized processed cheese. It's called Velveeta. Stock it in your restaurant. Take said cheese block and melt it in a saucepan with green chiles, sauteed onions, tomatoes, jalapenos, a bit of milk and presto: $8.95 per bowl of luscious, creamy, cheesy love-sauce. Trust me on this: you will dip any and every burger into said concoction with gusto. Sadly, I get 37 different guacamole combinations and zero queso options regardless of locale. This is a complete and utter failure of your Mexican restaurants. These restauranteurs, they won't listen either. Some friends of mine opened a Mexican restaurant in our town of Ladera Ranch recently and they refused to add queso to the menu. REFUSED! The food is good, but it could be great. Hey California: Texas has guacamole on the menu in all of its Mexican restaurants. In truth, it is Tex-Mex. It's a Texas thing. You wouldn't understand.

Speaking of burgers: very soon, Texans will finally be able to order a #1 spread only with a single side-car and a Neopolitan shake (showing @seancablinasian some love here). No longer will you be forced to deal with Whataburger's overbearing menu. In-N-Out is coming to the Lone Star State. However, Whataburger does have it's place and that place is fast food breakfast of love from 11:00PM-11:00AM. Speaking of breakfast, um California, could you learn how to make biscuits and gravy that doesn't, what's the phrase I am looking for here...freaking suck? Here is what you have to do: take the sausage out of the wrapper and brown it in a cast iron skillet. Now, drain the fat but do not scrape the drippings off of the skillet and toss them. These little charred specs of goodness go into the sausage gravy which is made with flour, whole milk (I know this is a tough one to swallow), salt and pepper, which is then poured over the top of wonderfully flaky, buttermilk biscuits. <---- Now, this is breakfast. Not tomatoes, avocados, and an organically grown, whole-wheat half of a bagel served with organic low fat cream cheese. This is what I would feed my pet rabbit if I were feminine enough to actually pull that off.

Look Californians, I get it. You are a fit bunch, addicted to biking, hiking, surfing, and image carving. You don more ink than the NY Times' printing press and the scenic beauty of the landscape is mesmerizing. Texans, I hear you. You would be active too but the weather is not very conducive to outdoor sports. My grandfather used to say, the reason people in places like California were so fit was due to the fact that they did not have this or this to tempt them on a nightly basis. He was right (miss you Paw Paw). This is why we offer 3000 s.f. for about $200,000-250,000 in the suburbs. Never mind having 3000 s.f. in SoCal. If you want 2500 s.f. in Ladera Ranch in Orange County, CA, be prepared to part with nearly $600,000. Did I mention the home sits on a 4000 s.f. lot? Let me break this down for you: you might see your neighbor doing all sorts of things simply due to proximity and lack of window coverings. Yes, in SoCal, land is in demand beyond your wildest dreams. In Texas, the definition of urban sprawl resides around the metropolises. Soon enough, north Houston and south Dallas will be fighting over annexation rights for Centerville, TX. Not sure if this will ease or increase traffic congestion.

Speaking of traffic, I used to be of the opinion that Houstonians drove quite fast. Nope. People in SoCal bring fast to another level. Want to drive in the left lane? Be prepared to go 85+ MPH. But, here is the thing. The level of driving courtesy in California puts southern hospitality to shame. Need to get over on a SoCal freeway? No problem. Simply put on your blinker and those around you will accommodate your needs. Give that move a whirl in Houston. Somehow, somewhere, a Texan in the past decided that driving from The Woodlands, TX to the Galleria area in Houston became a race. And dammit, he was going to win...at all costs. Speeding up, slowing down. Anything to thwart your trip and ensure that he is "winning" is the primary objective here. Just the opposite is true regarding your neighbors.

In Texas, people take the time to get to know you. They will show up on your doorstep with a freshly baked pie...just for you...just because. Not so in Orange County, CA. If my neighbor is knocking on my door, one of two things has occurred: A) my dog has crapped in their yard and I failed to blue bag it and dispose of the fertilization grenade in appropriate fashion...or 2) someone else's dog has crapped in their yard and they are mistaken thinking it is my dog. See, Californians are really into...what's the word I am looking for...themselves. We currently have a neighbor who actually asked me if I had bags on me when I was out with the dogs. Hey asshat: I am going to train my dogs to crap in bags, set them on fire, and leave them on your doorstep if you keep it up. For the record, that will be the first time I knock on his door. But, I have an excuse: I've spent the better part of nine months on Kauai. What is your excuse Johnny Allaboutme? Here's a question, Johnny: if you stare at your phone long enough, does it hug you? Do your narcissistic tendencies overtake your ability to look beyond yourself and think about others? Or, is picking up dog crap that big of a deal? Never mind, I think I know the answer.

Finally, let's tackle the political side of this overly long blog post. While Texans are known for southern hospitality, they are not known for tolerance. Californians are quite tolerant. Let's take the issue of gay marriage and put it on display here front and center. In the Lone Star State, this would have as great of an opportunity of "becoming the norm" as Tofu BBQ would in garnering the top spot in a popularity poll of locals' favorite finger lickin' locales. While California voted to define marriage as that between a man and a woman, the redefinition will eventually pass on the west coast. They are simply a much more diverse and accepting bunch regarding the social stratosphere. I am not sure this will ever happen anywhere in the state of Texas. Yes, that includes you too, Austin. If we were to take the best of each state while eliminating the worst, we could reach Utopian American living.